Nostalgia

“The Greek word for "return" is nostos. Algos means "suffering." So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return.”  ~ writer Milan Kundera

Last week, Mom told me that she had the desire to go see their Ranch at Spicewood, so I immediately got up and called the folks who bought it 20 years ago!  They were completely open to me bringing Mom out there and planned to be there this weekend, as they live in Austin and only go out there once or twice a month.  

Jean and I took Mom on Saturday.  Dad opted not to go, so Glenda spent a good part of the afternoon with him.

Mother was very pleased to see the size of the trees that she and Dad had planted!  There were crepe myrtles, a spanish oak, an elm and a jujube tree that were amazingly healthy and huge!  The jujube tree was a tiny sapling that came up in another potted plant that Mom had brought to their house from the Fowler's house.  She planted it on the east side of the garage and, now, it's probably 30 feet tall and still bears fruit!! 

The house does not look at all like it did when Mom and Dad had it built!  The wall between the living room and the kitchen was taken out, as well as the  bar between the kitchen and the dining area.  All of the cabinetry throughout the house was painted turquoise and the doors and door frames were red!  All of the decor resembled a Mexican Cantina, of sorts, but done very tastefully!  It was bright, cheery and fun!  Mom got a kick out of it!  

After touring the house and yard, we drove Mom down to the arena, which is taken over by weeds from lack of use, and the barn.  Every Thursday night I could hear and see the line of trailers coming in for the weekly roping at that arena.  I loved to sit on horseback and watch.  Some of my favorite pictures are  a toddler-aged Whitney in the saddle with her Papaw! 

The owners now have no livestock or horses, so the barn doesn't get any use.  It was in amazing condition, not surprising considering Dad supervised the construction! Dad's "HS" brand was still burned in the wooden workbench just under the old vise in the workshop area at the barn and the "HS" was still proudly displayed in metal above the entrance to the arena and the pasture in front of the house.  The rack where the boys processed their deer after hunting still stood strong. I stood and listened to the beautiful silence, the serenity that I so loved out there.  That beauty, as well as the gorgeous view and scenery, will be there forever. God put it there!!!

I stopped and took a lot of pictures of where my little double-wide trailer sat.  The back porch was there, but had fallen down and was in ruin. The concrete steps leading to it with the old iron boot scraper were still there though! Whitney was born while I lived out there in 1986. I had precious memories of her running and playing in the front yard; I remembered where her swing set was heavily used in the back yard, the yard which is now completely thickly reclaimed by the trees and weeds.  That seems like another life ago, but many sweet memories, nonetheless.

Jean and I asked Mom if she missed the Ranch and she said that she did not.  She said she doesn't miss any of the places she and Daddy have lived...she guesses it's because she and Dad moved so much in their younger years. As for me, so many great memories came flooding back as I drove around the property. I took 171 pictures!!!  

I am so happy that we got to go out there and I feel like I can lay that desire to rest!  Mom felt the same way! 

Needless to say, Dad was very happy when we returned home!  He worries about Mom wearing herself out, but she had a good nap on the way back and spent the rest of the evening in her chair.  I spoke to her this morning and she said she'd had a good night's sleep and felt okay today!

Danny spent part of the afternoon visiting with them and picked up tamales and chili con queso for their lunch!  He said they enjoyed that!  One never knows what they might like to eat!  Hooray for him finding something they liked!

It's been raining steadily all day and we have measured almost 2 inches!  Praise God!!!  I can almost hear my trees, grass and shrubs oo'ing and ah'ing!!!  Everything looks so clean and bright green!!  

As the first raindrops fall to the ground
A businessman lets out an angry sigh.
Knowing traffic will be slow he thinks,
Why me? Why today? Just tell me why!

Outside of town, a farmer scans the horizon
As the storm clouds begin to roll in.
With joy and celebration he calls out,
We are blessed! At last! This drought will end!

In every life storms will come:
Adversity, Inconvenience, or Pain.
Only we can choose how we will respond:
To be overwhelmed or to Welcome The Rain.

Michelle Sedas

As for me...it's hugely welcomed!!!

Ollie and I are preparing for our antique sale at Warrenton this week.  We start setting up our booths on Sunday, September 24th and our show lasts from Thursday, September 27 until Saturday, October 6th.  Come see us in Warrenton at Cole's!  

Love to all!  Sandi

Ray of Sunshine!

If you are reading this on Wednesday morning, I am going to start your day off with a little ray of sunshine! 

Mom's Hospice nurse, Carol, left a little over a month ago for vacation.  She came back this week and Mom was placed back under her care.  She has been to Mom and Dad's house twice this week, once on Monday and once this morning to drain her.  Monday, no fluid was drained off Mom's lung.  Carol came back this morning and tried some different positions with Mom laying in bed to see if she could get any fluid to drain, and none was present.  Carol was caught off-guard by this.  She asked Mom is she could speak frankly to her, and, of course, Mom said that she could.  Carol told Mom that, when she left to go on vacation, she did not expect Mom to be alive when she got back!  She thought that with the amount of fluid that she was draining and that the fluid was pure blood, that Mom would not survive much longer.  What Carol did not take into consideration was the power of prayer!!!  I cannot count the number of people who are praying for my Mom, but it is a LOT! 

Carol continued to tell Mom that she has good color, a little pale, but the color of her nail beds is good and her over-all color is good.  Mom is short of breath after exertion, like taking a shower, but Carol followed Mom from the living room to the bedroom and said she had trouble keeping up with her!  I must admit that the Smith pace is pretty quick!  Ollie constantly tells me to slow down when we are exercise-walking together.  He says, "You Smiths are all alike!  I have to almost run to keep up with you!"  He is relating to being out at the deer camp with Danny and having to almost run to keep up with his stride!  Anyway, regarding her shortness of breath, Carol said that it was much better than she expected, and nothing close to what she would call an urgent situation.  In fact, she is considering visiting Mom once a week instead of twice!  

Mom's appetite isn't great, but her strength has gotten much better in the last few days.  I am a firm believer in the power of prayer, and I believe that is making all the difference in the world!  There are so many quotes from the Bible about asking God through prayer and receiving.  Mark 11:24, one of the many, says, "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."  I can't answer why some prayers are answered differently than others, but I am grateful that Mom isn't suffering extreme pain or of shortness of breath, that she is in great spirits and that she and Dad are able to be together.  Thank you, Jesus!  

I had a pep talk with Mom and Dad this afternoon and said that we were going to stop thinking about Mom dying and enjoy her living!!  She wants me to take her out to see their old ranch at Spicewood, so we are going to do that this Saturday unless she isn't feeling up to it.  I told her I would take her and Dad anywhere they want to go!  I mentioned driving them to Elgin, Rockne or anywhere they might want to go!  The great part is that Mom was excited about getting out of the house!  I think Carol gave her a new lease on life!!  How long will it last? Who that is human can answer that question?   None of us is guaranteed tomorrow! In the book of James it says , "Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow."  Exactly!  So, live for today, and live according to God's word!  

Gotta run!  Love to all of you!! 

One day at a time...

That's all each of us can do is take one day at a time.  I called Mom last night about 8:15 and asked her how she was feeling.  She chuckled and said she guessed that she was feeling about the same as she was that morning!  Her sense of humor and her stoicism never ceases to amaze me! 

Mom has never been much of a reader, but then she never felt like she had time to sit and read.  She would have a stack of newspapers next to her chair in the living room, and would finally sit and go through them.  But, she never took time to read a book.  Now that she spends most of her day in her recliner, she has begun to read  a few books. Jean shared a book with her entitled, Heaven Is For Real, which is a heartwarming story about a family who almost loses their son.  Unbeknownst to anyone, during surgery, their 4-year old son goes to Heaven and then comes back.  As time goes by, he starts relaying stories to them about what they were doing while he was in surgery, things that he could not have known otherwise.  He tells them about seeing his sister, whom was lost through miscarriage in the second month of pregnancy and others.  It is a very real story, one that would be difficult for anyone to dispute, like the reviews do to a book like 90 Minutes In Heaven, which I have also read.  Anyway, Mom read it and then we talked about it.  She said that there were parts of it that she just had to skip because it got her to excited.  When I asked her what she meant, she said it got her to excited about what she was going to encounter if (can you believe she said "if"?!) she went to Heaven!  Her faith is what guides her and she says she is not afraid of dying, just that she is so worried about Daddy.  Of course, we have all tried to comfort her in telling her that we will take good care of him, but she knows all too well how unhappy he is going to be without her.  Dad gets upset often when he looks at Mom and sees her getting thinner and declining.  She tells him she's alright and smiles at him to help him recover.  I can't imagine what's going on in his mind, but I know he is very sad. But, on the positive side, Mom's faith is so inspiring and she remains as upbeat as possible! 

Mom has been getting more and more short of breath.  It had been over two weeks since she was last drained, so she decided to let the Hospice nurse come Friday to drain her, in hope that would give her some relief and more breath.  However, when the nurse drained her, only about 1/2 teaspoon of fluid came out.  So, Mom did not get any help for that.  She is on her oxygen most of the time, whether she is in her recliner during the day or in bed at night.  She has also been having to use more of the morphine because it does help her to breathe a little easier.  She likes to be awake during the day and gets a bit frustrated if the morphine makes her too sleepy, so the doses are very small, about the amount that would be prescribed to a child.  I support her in giving her whatever amount helps her but doesn't knock her out.  

Mom and Dad are still enjoying having visitors, as long as they don't stay too long!  Mom will absolutely let us know if she is getting tired.  So, if you are inclined to, go see them!  You can call me at 512/934-3641 and let me know what day you would like to come, so I can be sure to write you on their calendar!  I usually only schedule one visit per day, and 1:30 or 2:00 is a good time of day for them.  

When I opened Jean's book, Heaven Is For Real, there was a holy card inside it that she must have used for a bookmark.  I loved the quote that was on it and thought I would close this blog and share it with you...

Have no fear for what tomorrow may bring.
The same loving God who cares for you today will 
take care of you tomorrow and every day.
God will either shield you from suffering
or give you unfailing strength to bear it.
Bea at peace, then, and put aside all 
anxious thoughts and imaginations.
Francis de Sales (Catholic Patron Saint of the Deaf)

Thank you, God!  We sing praise to You!  Amen!

As promised!

We all felt incredibly blessed for the very special day we had with most of us gathered at Glenda's house on August 19th!  Mom was having a good day, was alert and feeling pretty well the whole day!  The kids got to swim, and all of us shared a wonderful meal and had a full day of visiting and loving each other! We are taking nothing for granted as far as the time we have with Mom and Dad.  Today is a gift from God, and none of us are guaranteed another day on this Earth! James 4:14 says, "Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring.  What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes."  Fortunately, we do not know how long our "little time" is, so we'd better make the most of it and praise God for each day He gives us!  

I received an email from a dear friend that in a nutshell said, if I am not here tomorrow, I wanted you to know that I love you!  I always keep in my heart the saying, "To the world you may just be one person, but to one person you may be the world."  Oh, so I can take this opportunity to tell you I love you!!  

I just spoke to Mom.  She has been sleeping later and later, which I think is so good...her body needs all the healing rest it can get!  Dad is back in his habit of sleeping until about noon.  I never call before at least 10:30!  The Hospice aide had been there to help Mom shower, so Mom was a little more out of breath from that activity.  

Mom has been able to manage her "discomfort" with Tylenol and infrequent small doses of morphine.  She rarely, if ever uses the word "pain."  She is one of the strongest and most stoic persons I know.  Despite her illness, she remains the maternal head of our family and is such a strong guide and Godly presence in our lives.  
"She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue."  Proverbs 31:26  Mom still directs the caretakers and has even been doing a little bit of cooking for her and Dad if I or one of us can't be there to cook, take them out to eat or bring them food.  She makes what she calls "flat enchiladas" which is one of Dad's favorite meals.  Of course, no one can cook them quite like she does!  I am happy if she feels up to doing it, so I don't discourage that one bit!  The caretaker will certainly do the dishes and clean up the kitchen for her!  One of the selling points about their new house was that there is a Luby's Cafeteria within a few blocks.  They like to eat there because they can pick out exactly what they want to eat, they have vegetables and pretty good desserts!  I like the opportunity to get them out of the house, as long as they are well enough to do so. 

Dad seems to be feeling pretty well, although, when asked if he is okay, he shakes his head no.  He certainly is not okay when the love of his life isn't well.  It looks to me as if he has lost some weight, and, of course, he is sad.  Dad is totally devoted to being near Mom and watching out for her.  Almost every time she gets up from her recliner, he reminds her to use her walker (she holds onto it for stability).  I walked in the house the other day and they were watching a movie together, Mom in her chair and Dad in his wheelchair next to her, holding her hand!  It was such a sweet sight!  

The actor Michael J. Fox said, "I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection.  Excellence I can reach for, perfection is God's business."  I pray for excellence in serving God and my parents, and pray for peace and strength in accepting the perfection in God's will for Mom and Dad.

  

My love to all of you!  Sandi

 

 

 

Family

For the Smith family, there's nothing we love more than to find a reason to get together.  We all met at Glenda's house at the end of July for Dad's 88th birthday.  Mom wasn't feeling well that day and slept the whole day.  She was very disappointed that she missed everything.  So, Glenda decided to have another family party this month to celebrate all the August birthdays!  Everyone was able to attend except Nicole, Matt and Mia.  We had a great day, despite their absence.  I will have some photos to share soon!

As I mentioned to you, Glenda took Mom to see an oncologist last week.  I thought you might want to read her efficient synopsis...
 

*Confirmed that he sees a spot on her lungs and in her pancreas which most likely are tumors.  Made a point to say that without a biopsy he can’t know for sure whether it is cancer of lung, pancreas or “unknown primary”.  Tumors are most likely irritating the pleura sac around the lung and that causes it to “weep” which is the fluid.  *The cancer is potentially treatable but is not curable (in his opinion) – it might shrink with treatment but won’t go away.  It is likely there are other cancer spots which are not showing up on the scans simply because the scan is not sensitive enough.  He would expect chemo to prolong her life by months, not by years. 

*Re chemo – for most people 86 years young he would recommend against chemo.  But since he feels Mother is exceptional (brightness in her eyes, intellect, ability to communicate) – he would say okay if she wanted to try it – but she needs to know it would likely make her very sick – weakness, nausea, vomiting, infection.  So doesn’t recommend but wouldn’t withhold if that were her desire.  (it’s not)    

*She should continue taking morphine before bed to help her sleep – she will not become addicted or develop tolerance.  At some point we can switch her to long-acting morphine rather than the as-needed morphine that she is using now.  Also when she reaches pain level 5 or 6 we should consider nerve blocks which can be administered one or more times and will block the pain.  This procedure is administered by Seton Hospital – when she is ready we should call Bobbye the nurse at his office and she can arrange.  Also feel free to call Bobbye if we have any questions.   

*Mother asked the time question.  He said average 6 months for pancreatic cancer and 8 months for lung and no more than one year for the unknown primary.  Back pain is typical of pancreatic cancer.  Also that is most likely since she never was a smoker.   

*Drinking wine is just fine. 

*I asked if there is anything else we should expect – he said increasing pain and also possibly jaundice.  Pancreatic tumors can grow to block the bowel duct and if this happens, they will need to do an endoscopy and put in a stint.  He said this is most likely when the tumor is in the head of the pancreas and least like when it is in the tail of the pancreas.  Hers is in the body of the pancreas meaning her risk is in the middle.  I am sure the hospice nurses know to watch for this.  

*Constipation is number one issue with morphine.  She needs to take as much mirolax etc as necessary to prevent constipation.  Number two issue is drowsiness.  So she’s having both. 

*He encouraged her to use her walker saying her quality of life would deteriorate significantly if she were to fall again and fracture something. 

Hopefully, Glenda's great notes will answer most of the questions you might have. I will try to keep you updated.  

Love to all, Sandi

Psalm 27:4-5
One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock. 

 

One day at a time...

"One day at a time sweet Jesus, that's all I'm asking from You.
Just give me the strength to do everyday what I have to do.
Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus and tomorrow may never be mine.
Lord help me today, show me the way, one day at a time. "
Christy Lane Lyrics

 Since Mom got her diagnosis almost a month ago, that's all we have been able to do, take one day at a time.  Her faithful strength is such an inspiration to me and my family and all who know her.  Mom is not a complainer, so it is pretty tough to know how she is really feeling  If she is in front of Dad, she will not say anything negative, so we have to get her by herself to find out her true feelings.

Last week she was very short of breath and has spent most days in her chair with the oxygen on.  She took a very small dose of morphine 3 times a day, which also helped to relax her and helps her to breath.  

On August 3rd, Glenda took Mom to the retina specialist for a problem she was having with her sight.  Mom had a cataract removed several months ago and afterwards, as a result, her retina started detaching.  This happens in less than 10% of people who have that surgery. Recently, a black spot developed in her eye that was affecting her vision. Of course, we feared that the retina was detaching worse and that she may require eye surgery to repair it. However, the retina specialist said her retina was not getting worse, thank God, but the black spots can occur in cancer patients.  Glenda said that the retina specialist told Mom that he would like to see her again in three months and that Mom very soberly told him she may not be here then.  She is so amazing to be able to be so frank about the disease.  It makes this so much easier for those of us whom are with her.  Not that she needs to do that, of course.  Again, her unfailing faith in God is such an inspiration to all of us. 
 
 I have a very bad summer old, so I certainly have been staying away.  That is very hard for me!  Danny and Lisa visited them Sunday afternoon and Glenda went Sunday evening.  Jean is there today.  I call Mom at least twice a day, but it's not the same as being there!

Mom seems to be having a better week with her breathing.  She told me that she didn't use her oxygen or morphine at all yesterday.  She despises having to take medicine and will only do so when she really feels bad.  

We have been keeping in tough with cousin Ron Lawson, who is an oncologist in Tennessee.  It is such a comfort having him follow Mom's condition and for his guidance and support.  He is sich a blessing to us!

Mom has an appointment with Texas Oncology this Wednesday.  I will report more after that appointment.  Meanwhile, thank you for keeping her and Dad in your prayers.  All of you are such a blessing to me and my family!  Love to all of you!

Psalm 118:24
This is the day which the LORD hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.

Pretty good week...

I just hot home from Mom and Dad's house.  Mom and Dad have had a pretty good week.  Mom was in less pain and only had to be drained on Monday.  The Hospice nurse that we began working with retired on Friday, July 27, so there has been a different nurse each time one has visited since then.  They have told us that they are re-configuring their schedules and will assign a permanent nurse to Mom.  Hospice likes their nurses and aides to know their patients.  I like that approach also.

When Mom was drained Monday, the result was less than in the past.  I don't know if that is bad or good, but Mom thought it was good, and that's all that matters!  She has been in less pain this week, and we are so grateful for that.  Being in less pain meant that she used the morphine less, and that meant that she didn't sleep most of the day.  Instead, she has been alert and more herself.  More to be grateful for!  

As when Dad was in rehab after his stroke and in time since, our family's teamwork makes me so proud.  We are all pulling together in support of each other and, of course, in support of Mom and Dad.  It makes me think of a beautiful verse from Proverbs 31:28-29..."Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her; 'Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.'  Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the City gates."  Yes, sweet Lord, in our eyes our Mom surpasses them all!  She is so modest, that she won't accept our praise.  So, I tell her, "Mom, just say thank you!"  That makes her smile real big, and 
she does!


Mom had a cataract removed from her left several months ago.  She started having  a little trouble with her vision a few months later.  The surgeon told her at that time that her retina could be trying to detach.  She was supposed to be aware of further changes in her vision.  Up until last week she was doing well, but, on Thursday. she told me that she had a black spot in her vision.  I immediately thought of the retina and called the surgeon, who referred to Mom to Austin Retina Assoc.  Glenda took Mom to her appointment on Friday, and the good news is that the retina was still intact.  The retina specialist explained that cancer, in some people, affects their vision.  Mom was asking me about that tonight and I really didn't know any of the details of the appointment.  Mom said that the doctor really didn't have much to say, except that he would send a report to her primary care physician.  I will call the doctor's office tomorrow and get the nurse to explain his findings to me and get a copy of the doctor's report.  

Our cousin Ron Lawson is an oncologist in Memphis TN.  I am going to also contact the lung specialist's office tomorrow and have her reports faxed to him, mainly to get his thoughts and perspective.  Mom and I have been talking about doing this, and I know it will make her feel more secure to have his input.  He and I have been in phone contact, but I have not, nor has he, seen the actual doctor's reports.  I think that Ron's knowledge of Mom's records will be very beneficial and comforting to all of us.  

Thank you all for your thoughts, well wishes and prayers.  We all feel the love that is pouring out and are so very grateful for it. 

Lord God, thank you for our friends and family members who are so much support to Mom and Dad, and my family and me with their love and prayers.  They lift our spirits and help us accept our daily burdens.  We thank you for this precious time with Mom and Dad and pray that You will give them mercy and peace.  Amen.